Amy, dear Amy, how you shook me up...

When this great artist died I was shook up. Still am actually. Just like when Ryan Dunn died. I was even more shook up by the death of Ryan. How I loved that guy! It probably was his own fault but nevertheless he did not deserve it.

That brings me to, do you EVER deserve to die? Sometimes life seems unfair. It keeps spinning in my mind.

My parents both died. My mother kind of knew she was not going to get old. She always made statements that kind of made that clear. She talked about grandchildren when I was 16. She would have loved to be a grandmother. She never got to be one.

Did she deserve to die? She probably did since she faught cancer four times. She was tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of waiting in anticipation of her death. Also we were tired. Always shook up when the phone rang at strange hours. The last time the doctor said "your mother has cancer". I knew this time, my mum would not win the fight. She knew it too. No one asked how and what would be done. We all knew "this is it". We all knew my mum would be leaving us. She had had enough.

The days following were hard. I felt this was it. I tried to tell my siblings. They looked at me as if I had personally signed her deathcertificate. It was a strong feeling, I wanted to warn them to take care of unsolved 'business' as now maybe was the last chance...

I was right. I feel things and should be taken serious as it comes to this. Now, they know.

My dear mother. Cancer at 23. Bad hearth at 37. Cancer at 43,44 and died of cancer at 49. I miss her. Even though we did not get along. I miss her.

Amy, girl. Find peace, wherever you are. Keep jamming! Amy tell my mother and father I love them and give them a big hug. We will miss you all and are missing you already. Life is cruel and unfair, you better have a big concert up there, would be a shame not to use your talent! Keep rocking until I get there!

My deceased dad talking and explaining..

Well... I AM drunk at the time. Wel drunk, drunk, a little bit influenced by alcohol.

I started wondering... How come you appreciate your family that much more when drunk? Sometimes I regret not being drunk more often when my parents were alive. Then they would realise that much more how I appreciated them. Even though our youth was crap and they were crappy parents, they were MY parents. I really miss them. I sometimes curse them and I sometimes despise them but I love them and miss them so much..

I dreamt last night that they were death and live and kicking at my home. I live in my parents house and dream they are alive and well and living with us, all the time.

Well last night I dreamt this again and my psychiatrist (yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist just because I am a human), well he advised me to confront them. So in my dream I asked my dad why he was here, him being dead and all. He answered; " They don't need me yet upstairs, so I am keeping you company". Then I asked him about him visiting my son (in reality, my 2 year old is talking to a granddad in his room when he is supposed to go to sleep, all the time.), I asked him if it was him, my son is talking about. He answered 'yes it is me, he is a bundle of joy and I want him to know your father".


This dream was strange but also explained the lights flickering, the cooker turning on by itself and my son playing with his granddad.


How strange... Really miss them, and I wonder, is this dream how it really is? Would explain a lot!

Strange european habits..

Here in Holland the weather has been really nos so summery lately. Usually it is about 25 degrees celcius here but lately it has been raining almost every day. People here in Holland are known for their vacations with their caravans (trailer?). When you drive along european freeways it is a almost certain bet that every caravan you see it from a Dutch. They come in all shapes and sizes and every dutch person has been in one at one time in their life.

In spring of this year the weather here was great 25 degreees celcius and you could sunbathe all you want (April, May, June). So many dutch people did not reserve a holiday abroad because they wanted to go to a campinsite instead, with such good weather, why go abroad? Well as usual the weather here kind of changes very much and now the weather is well, sucky. So all these people try to get a holiday abroad and these agencies now are having the time of their life.

I wonder if they have these kind of strange habits somewhere else? I know for instance German people at the beach here always dig a hole to lay in sunbathing (not all offcourse but a lot). Well kind of intrigues me these habits, must look into it.

Well tonight I am meeting a friend and we are going to have drinks, wonder if that turns out ok ;)

Talk to you later.